Issue No. 7, Winter 2013

Why Prince Theo Had Plastic Surgery
Amber Dawn Hollinger

The following account is based on true events.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks for having me. . . Look, to be honest, I feel a bit grimy talking to a tabloid like this. But at the same time, it’s like who the eff cares: everything eventually ends up on Twitter anyway. Might as well get some cold cash for the inside scoop. . .

“Plus, I don’t want any big mouth douche bags spreading false rumors. The media networks are monsters. I mean really, did you see how much press coverage my cousin’s wedding got?! Sparkle and flash for weeks before and weeks after, non-stop. Jesus. . . If people are going to talk, and they always talk, I want them to hear it from the horse’s mouth—so to speak.

“I know, right! That’s nice of you to say. I am a good guy. I want love, like anyone. I want to find that special someone to share my life with, to grow old with. I want tender whispers and caresses and –. And anyway, I deserve it! I’m ready to take that leap. But, it just wasn’t happening for me.

“And, I mean, I tried. I put myself out there, I made myself available. I hung around watering holes, club swimming pools, hopped around garden parties. I sat on library stoops, reading, watching the world. Waiting. Waiting. . . for true love’s kiss. Ha! Like a fool. That kind of stuff wasn’t easy for me back then.

“Oh wow, no way. Absolutely no regrets about having it done. I mean, are you kidding? Honestly, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. . . Ahhh the before? Well, yes, that is a bit uncomfortable to discuss, but I can talk about it. I have already been through this with my shrink.

“Um. Unattractive. Just hideous, really. That is how I felt much of the time. And, inadequate – particularly physically. You’ve seen the rest of my family: their arses always on magazine covers and whatnot. It’s not that I was always comparing myself to others but, well, we all do that sometimes, right? Only natural to notice and want to fix your flaws.

“I am a Toad, obviously. So, I have this unfortunate predisposition to being short and wide. And I have this disproportionately large mouth that sort of takes over my face. But more than anything, any thing, what has always bothered my was my skin. Ugh.

“Dry, leathery, covered in bumps. You have no idea how rough it was living in that skin. Worse though, was the fact that people were constantly harassing me and bullying me because of it. You cannot imagine the torment I endured—all through school, all through university—the pointing, the obnoxious commentary. Even from children. Eew, how gross! Look at that thing, how weird! What awful, bumpy skin! Guess we all know who got the ugly genes!

“And I’m not talking about occasionally; this happened on a regular basis. It was all just too much.

“And of course as I aged, my skin got even bumpier and more wrinkled. It may seem ‘natural’ but it was quite unsightly. I remember thinking as soon as I can muster the nerve, I am going to have my skin done. So that’s what I did. . . I found a reputable specialist in Minneapolis, went for consultation, chose my new skin, and.. voilà.

“Well I had given it some thought. Especially having grown up seeing so many pictures and images of beings with this perfect, gorgeous skin.

“My skin is called Leopard, but it actually has some tiger-type stripes blended into the pattern. A unique design, right? But basically Leopard.

“After? Oh. My. God. Completely transformed! I finally feel beautiful and. . . desirable. I mean, I am still me, naturally. But it’s as though I have this fresher and wilder spirit, maybe a catlike spirit, hey. Strong and sexy, you know? I’m ready to find the person of my dreams, totally. But no longer do I have to wait for someone else to turn me into something magical.

“Yes, lots more invitations already. This skin is just so sleek and, let’s face it, attention-getting. I am always getting compliments and posing for pictures, so. . .”


Amber Dawn Hollinger’s work has appeared or is forthcoming with Rose Red Review, Foliate Oak, The Voices Project, Eternal Haunted Summer, Dead Flowers, Emerge Literary Journal, Burial Day Books, Embodied Effigies, The Soul Pitt, and others. Amber is working on new short stories and CNF pieces, and her poetic CNF chapbook “The Storyteller’s Sister” is forthcoming from ELJ Publications (2014).